The Masks We Wear

We all wear masks. 

Our true feelings are often hidden from others in order to maintain relationships. Most people have had the experience of a certain amount of self-censoring, not really allowing our true thoughts, feelings and desires from showing. Often we will be offer the world a slightly different identity dependant on the situation we find ourselves in. We are different in how we present ourselves with our partner, our children, our colleagues, our friends.

From an evolutionary perspective this makes sense. If we always told the absolute truth the fabric of our society would break down. Humans are social by nature and truths are challenging. Adaptability is one of humanity's great strengths and social adaptability no less so. 

Many people experience the mask as a momentary process, donned to negotiate a tricky social situation. In challenging or prolonged scenarios the wearing of a mask can lead to a feeling of being dishonest, disingenuous or misleading. However, we can usually return to our usual selves when the social situation ends and we can be ourself.

However, for some people this mask becomes much more permanent and insidious. The mask has become so common that they loose a connection with themselves, their true identity and self. This results is a painful feeling of being stuck and lost. It can lead to chronic feelings of emptiness, sadness and fear.

The loss of connection to ourself is often the result of trauma. Trauma can cause us to negate our own needs in order to accommodate the needs of others. This occurs in order to avoid being abandoned or harmed by those around us. In this way the self is negated and fragmented. Our own needs become so far from us we lose any connection to them and are left only with the mask.

William James

William James was an American philosopher and psychologist. Amongst his many achievements he coined the phrase 'stream of consciousness'.  He proposed that human selfhood is comprised of two elements, that he called the 'I' and the 'Me'. The 'Me' is our identity, what James call the Empirical Self. It is the things we do: Our social circle, our occupation, our hobbies, material possessions, spirituality, likes and dislikes. James argues that the 'Me' can be dynamic.For example, most people do not dress in the same way at 40 as they did at 14. Adolescence is a time of great tumult in the 'Me' as we try out different styles, groups, ideologies and priorities; different modes of being. Usually settling into something that becomes our identity (more or less).

The 'I' is the core self, it is a sense of being. The 'I' is the sense of continuity and constancy over time. It is our sense of individuality and distinctness from others.  The 'I' gives us agency and volition. It is the base on which the identity rests and depends, allowing the 'Me' to experiment and explore whilst never loosing it's way. Without this we are left with only stimulus, lacking context or meaning. 

Trauma disrupts this balance, 'I' and 'Me' become dissociated from each other,  and effects our ability to experience the core self. What is left is a sense of painful incoherence.

The way to reconnect the identity and the core self, the 'Me' and the 'I', is through the careful work of psychotherapy. The linking of the outer and inner experience allows the person to experience themselves more coherently. The knower and the known, the subject and the object. 

In this way trauma becomes metabolised and masks slip away, revealing the true-self within.

To enquire about booking a psychotherapy session please contact me on my email or mobile 0424 605 812.